Pushed down

So deep

Like being pinned to the ocean’s floor and staring up at the patch of light above

Not being able to move

Helpless

I wanted to scream but there were no words

my tears swept away with each roaring wave

That is what my darkest days felt like when I was really sick

When I was at the depths of sadness and unknowing what it was

Or if I would I get better

Months I was tested and pinpricked with no results giving me answers

The worst is the not knowing

It was so hard explaining to others how I felt

My whole life had been upended and this was the new

I did not want this new

It was lockdowns

Most will never really know quite what I went through with toilets in showers to sit, daily rehab exercises, walking frames and walking sticks, losing myself

I wanted the old me 

The one that could walk, run, play with my children and not fall

I wanted the old me that could see without uninterrupted blurred vision

Where I could drive and be independent and not rely on others

Where I didn’t have to spend each day training my body to be my own again

One where I could dance with my eyes closed

There were days when I thought maybe I don’t want this

And that is a scary thought when you have many who love you….

If you could flip the image to now, five years later

Where instead of the ocean bed

I am now on the surface

Floating along the waves and staring at the clouds above

The sun beams down on me

The wind kisses my lips like a blessing

I am the blessing and I don’t take that for granted

I fought from that ground up

I showed myself strength that I didn’t know I had

I persevered and progressed and practiced being a new version of me and slowly little magic beats of my before came back

There are still things that will never be the same

I’ll take this version any day than not at all

How grateful am I to those who looked after me at home

To my family who drove me around for over a year to all those sessions and supported my mental health

So on my arm it now is

The girl on the beam walking that endless balance of life 

Inked to my skin as a reminder of how far I have come in those five years
 
Birds fly away as way of letting go and respect to the past and what I have now been given 
 
I go forward as I am making a new me everyday 

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