Black- empty- nothing whispers in my ear.
Brings me to the ground.
Pounds in my mind.
It has nowhere to go.
Turn to stare it down, make it
Leave. I can’t find it.
Disappears like a shadow
lost when the lights turns out.
Close my eyes. Try to remove myself.
Clear this madness. Happy thoughts.
This chain keeps pulling me till I am
submerged under a cement wall of darkness.
Need a release.
Heavy, I know. But a few Tuesday’s ago, this is how I felt whilst lying awake, feeling like absolute shit. I am normally a positive person, but yes I do have my dark, depressive days. I think it’s fair to say that most people feel down from time to time, or a lot. For some, it’s a lifelong battle. We are all on a spectrum of happiness that ebbs and flows with each passing day. There are days when we wear masks to cover our sadness, because it is just easier to get through the day that way. But these emotions good and bad are also one of the most beautiful parts of being human too. So I’ll take both any day, to know I am alive.
Maybe it was the strong antibiotics that were warping this sense of happiness; I mean I was so high on painkillers; I should’ve been floating on white, happy thoughts. But in those early hours, for some reason so much was going through my mind and I couldn’t switch off. I kept thinking how I couldn’t go to an event I had to go to……let me rephrase and say that I wanted to go to, as do we ever really HAVE to do anything. (I have been co-producing a doco for 6 months now and the event would air our teaser and kick start our funding campaign. Please support –any donations much appreciated).
But here I was at age 32 and had been diagnosed with shingles. I know what you’re thinking…isn’t that what old folks get? I certainly thought they did. But apparently after visiting the Dr. –anyone can get it if you’ve had chickenpox. Not to dramatise, as it’s certainly not the worst virus, but it was so damn painful. Think of stabbing needles in your nerves or someone stretching out your nerves with brute force. But again, as my body likes to do from time to time, is to say, Liv WTF, can you please slow down. Most of you who know me, know just how busy I am. “Let me just check my diary and we can schedule a catch up” might sound familiar….but it’s because I really do love life and want to make the most of it while I am here…. briefly, or hopefully for a long and beautiful life. We just don’t know.
The dark haze brought me back to a time that I won’t say I want to forget, as all those moments and memories have brought me to this exact moment which is good. I am not one for regrets, so I just learn from those portions of my life and that is why I am like I am. But I got shingles for a reason and my body just said fuck it, now stop. So I did. For a week, I literally did nothing but sleep, eat, watch TV, read, write and most importantly, reconnect with myself.
I also decided it was long overdue that I got back into meditating-I have been running a lot this year and kept saying that was my meditation. But there really is something to be learned from just being completely still and clearing your mind. Your body is a temple and it really does need time to regenerate. I sat down and did a chakra balance. It was the best thing to do, as when I got to my solar chakra which is known as the power centre, I found I was so tensed up that I was almost in pain. This is also an area when you hold guilt for saying no and I began to have the clearest realisation that I really do have a problem saying no. I am like the reverse of Jim Carey in Yes Man.
I spoke to my mum and she said her mother had said to her once that she was the same, so maybe it is hereditary. I certainly never thought of it as a bad thing, as it has made me a hard worker and I think a really good friend, but sometimes for the sacrifice, quite literally as my shingles have proved; of my health.
On that Tuesday night when I was lying awake feeling depressed about not going to the event, I should have taken a moment to realise you don’t have to do everything in life to be happy, but take solace in the stuff that you do have. I had beautiful friends and family who went regardless of me not being there and the support I felt was incredible. That week made things so clear for me.
So I say….coming full circle from my intro blog about making chill time for yourself when obviously in hindsight, I have not been doing enough of that is ….in the madness of the last minute wedding planning and the rest of life:
I will not be stressed; I will laugh and enjoy it all, because life really is too much fun.
I will be free and proud and happy for the journey that is coming my way and grateful for the man I am about to marry.
I will just be in the moment and take it all as it comes.
I will make time for others, but more importantly for myself.
I will just breathe.
See some pain does make you grow….