Destination: Some Place Else

…to get away for if only a moment

45. A most vulnerable mind

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Oh hello. Yes, you in the dark, all alone.  Don’t be afraid, I’m here for you. I know it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other.  Properly checked in.  Had a real moment for just you and I and I’m sorry about that. But I want you to know a few important things while we learn to reconnect.

These last few years have been hard. Hard on us all as a collective unit as we have lived through a pandemic, many a lockdown, through job losses and life losses. Where we have been forced to be away from all that we love and learn to spend more time with ourselves than ever before.  We have lost the right to do all the things like we used to, how reckless and free that all seemed.  And for me, it has been a year of sickness too, where I have been thrown to the ground and had to pick myself back up again.

But thankful is the vulnerable mind who has been tested.

It is something about getting closer to the other side or trauma, of sickness and recovery that you can stand back and see everything for what it is. You get a sense of what is the most important and who is too.

I’ve got an amazing husband who is my soul, who gets me and is so incredibly patient. I need him to know how much I see him and all the things he does just to keep me sane. Maybe I don’t say it to him enough, but I hope he knows, like I hope you know too.

I worship my family and friends, though spare time always seemed so fleeting that our reconnecting was not enough. It’s never enough and that is all the more present after these last few years.  My parents, my sister, they shaped me, gave me values, protected me, loved me. I am forever grateful, especially in these changing and strange times.  I have questioned were these series of pauses, of resets, the reconnect, we all needed?

I’ve also had two beautiful girls who are my everything. They are little pieces of me and my husband and we watch them and smile with their little quirks and words and sounds and laughter they bring.   The wonder in their eyes gets me every time.  Even when I have screamed out like a mad woman with rage or frustration or feelings of failure, they then kiss me and hug me and look at me so deep down in my being; like it is only them and I in that moment, and there really isn’t much more than that for me.

I’m sure if you are a parent you can relate, that sometime I have felt a little broken as a mum.  It can be a very real and very crushing thing when you’ve had all the control over your life and living your way. Learning to let go is hard.  I mean we have all had to learn that over the past few years. But learning to let kids just be even when you are scared they might get hurt physically or emotionally, can overwhelm you.

BUT – I AM taking the steps. I AM going to be ok.  I AM loving you more and more like I did back then. But, just give me time and no pressure.  Maybe in all of this crazy madness, this is actually the time to just….breathe….

We really all need to do that right now, in this moment, in history. Where we have never felt both more apart and more connected.  We are all finding our own ways to reshape and reconnect and re-engage with who we are and who we now might want to be.

I don’t know why I found it so hard to find my way back to you.  We always had such amazing times.  It was you and I against the world. You were strong and made me feel like I could do anything.  I trusted myself and I knew what I wanted. I was inspired and full of energy.

Sometimes I think I am an amazing mother who is kicking it to the world. I mean I pushed two babies out of me.  I should be saying, hear me roar mother fuckers, I am an earth mother goddess who can do anything. I am space and time and body and pure essence. A lot of the time- I can think that way.  I mean, I have put two kids to sleep at the same time, I have climbed Machu Picchu, I have kicked the arse of getting sick and that is a bloody miracle. But with absolute highs, I want you to know about my absolute lows, because that is what makes us all human and vulnerable and real and maybe actually, quite remarkable.  In all honestly, there have been times where I just want to curl up and cry. These are the times where I have missed you the most. Because deep down, I know if I had more time with you, I know it would be ok.

I had my first baby, who funnily is becoming more like me before then, than I ever was. She is determined and fiery, she knows what she wants and will stand strong until she gets it-or is this just a typical little girl?  She is a free spirit, she is kind.  But she can also stare daggers if she is hurt or annoyed. She is also a sensitive soul who has in turn, opened a part of me that was so shut down or pushed aside that though we can butt heads like bulls in a pit, we are also more connected than anyone. No one has ever been more connected to me than her. Sorry husband.  Maybe I have taken my range of emotions of hurt and happiness, or anger and serenity, or of imagination and confusion out on her. She sometimes has become this tiny vehicle to carry me and it is not fair on her young developing mind.

I need more too.  I need you back like we were once before.

But I need you to know, it will be different this time. Maybe, actually, better.

It’s been over three years since my second babe and I have felt times where I’ve nearly slipped down that dark tunnel. The craze if my eyes, the anxiety in my head, when sleep is so far away, and I’m not connected to you.  She has a smile that keeps going, so calm and inquisitive but she can also be a little scorpion when she too doesn’t get her own way. Should I submit to the fire I have created in them, let it flourish and nurture it in a useful way? Because in fact, that is what I had and strive for each day. More fire in my belly, cause to my words, passion in my convictions.

As I feel these words pouring out after so long, finding their way back to you, I hear you coming closer still. I will try not hurt you. I will try to protect you and nourish you and keep you healthy. I will take you for walks, so you can see all the little things. I will tell you how beautiful you are, because remember you really are. You are kind and compassionate.  You are strong and determined, just as you are teaching your daughters to be, even without knowing it.

Most of all my oldest and dearest friend, you are here right now with me, back like you never left. I love you, as you are me and I’m not letting go of you this time. I want you all to know that too, to find your inner peace and keep your mind strong and your heart open, especially in these times of change.  Because maybe we have all been rushing to some imaginary deadline for so long and really, we need to remember, that we really are connected on the same, human, real, imperfect, but perfect line.

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